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Man alive
Alright, emotional rant post go. I highly recommend skipping over this, as I don't really like appearing emotional. However~ I need to let this out somewhere.

I am feeling crazily out of the loop at the moment. Job hunting and dissertation and this ASMR article have been really intense for the past few months since I left Swansea. I don't have the means or time or even a solid space in which to do anything creative, and as a result I feel like I've been nudged out of my circle of creative homies. So that's mint. Only it's really not, because there's no one I can really drop some hot frustrated emotions on at the moment, except Kat. But she doesn't need it right now because holy fuck is her life in the toilet right now. Adultery, shit job, shitter husband. Yeah. She doesn't need me adding to it. xD

A crush I had seeming changed, and while that's kind of useful for me it's still a bit shit. I haven't had time to keep up with anyone properly, which just generally sucks. I don't even have a damn bed of my own at the moment - I'm staying in Washington with a family I barely get on with, providing therapy to my dad because my mum's an asshole and occasionally abusive, and his mum's also an outright abusive asshole. To top it off, I'm in the room that used to be mine - now, the guest room. I can see the marks on the floor from where my desk and chair were and where I got some hot abuse of my own for however many years. I didn't throw out the teddies that asshole gave me, and my mum sets them on the damn bed to greet me back every chance she gets. I know she's just trying to be nice because we srsly don't get on but ahhh. I've shoved those fuckers in a drawer. Didn't stop me having a dream about the asshole last night.

What I want right now is to be finished with these projects. Have the ASMR one published and to spit on this fucking fMRI balls on slap it on my supervisor's desk. I want to stop accidently acting like a dick and having Nick get teacherly with me on twitter because he's concerned I won't take a reference seriously, because even though I know he gets excited about the same experiments I do, I haven't earned trust yet. I'm not going to say to him that the fact he puts me on even footing with male students has actually made me cry happy tears, so yes, of course I'll fucking take projects seriously. But man, I wish I could express that sentiment less childishly.

I'm tired out man, a lot's changed and I've been too busy to keep up so things are temporarily sucking.



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